Comfort...It completely evades me. I don't feel good about anything. It's like looking through a window at this great party that I'm not invited to, but I am invited in theory. The reality is I don't feel I connect with people and walk away feeling worse if I join the party, over feeling left out, staring in.
I miss the camaraderie of my younger days and a feeling of belonging that is gone now. I've become a charity case no one wants around and I can't blame them. To think I've been in a perpetual nosedive for 40 years. It has me beat down, and other than brief respites, it will continue to beat me down. The façade is starting to crack and crumble more now due to the realization: It's never going to end. There's no light at the end of the tunnel, just the feeling of treading water with weights being added as time rolls along. There's just quiet desperation, mediocrity, and unwanted solitude from here on out. Hope is gone.
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