What do you say when the only thing keeping you here is a dog? I would say I'm her rescue, but I'm not sure I want to be rescued anymore. She's my responsibility and I'll keep my promise to her, but I have literally painted myself into a corner and I don't feel like fighting the good fight anymore, or even a bad fight. I'm kind of over this life, and why be selfish and drag anyone else into my mess. I can see people pulling away and rightfully so. The drowning man can take you with him. No need for extra casualties. The fight to stay above the surface is tiring. I don't feel well. I have headaches. I hate what I'm doing. I'm no fun anymore. Life has broken my heart on so many levels. It's all quiet desperation filled with heartache, self hatred and self medication. I kid myself with delusions of grandeur, thinking I have talent or intelligence, but the sad reality is I'm just a loser. A broken bird never meant to fly. I've never felt so unconnected and simultaneously want nothing to do with anyone. Why subject anyone to this? What could they do for me anyway? I've always been the second choice friend and lucky to reach that shaky ground. Always kept at an arm's length. Broken isn't always something you can rectify. 45 years deep into this and I've enjoyed maybe 5 of them. All these years and no solution has presented itself yet. I'm done trying to figure it out. I hope the light at the end of the tunnel is a train. Until that day I'll be riding this wasted life out. Hopefully, I won't have to wait too long to leave this broke down palace and shut its doors for good.
