it's cold out

 

Comfort...It completely evades me. I don't feel good about anything. It's like looking through a window at this great party that I'm not invited to, but I am invited in theory. The reality is I don't feel I connect with people and walk away feeling worse if I join the party, over feeling left out, staring in.


I miss the camaraderie of my younger days and a feeling of belonging that is gone now. I've become a charity case no one wants around and I can't blame them. To think I've been in a perpetual nosedive for 40 years. It has me beat down, and other than brief respites, it will continue to beat me down. The façade is starting to crack and crumble more now due to the realization: It's never going to end. There's no light at the end of the tunnel, just the feeling of treading water with weights being added as time rolls along. There's just quiet desperation, mediocrity, and unwanted solitude from here on out. Hope is gone.

Unraveling at a progressive rate,
tangled in the strands,
tied into a self imposed fate.

Sand falls quicker when it's almost gone,
each grain carrying more weight,
knowing the last will drop before too long.

So much more was wanted,
the mind denied and sabotaged,
the thought of happiness has me haunted.

The color is draining,
joy is harder to come by,
it's always raining.

I'm no fun anymore.



I'm here until this dog moves on to the rainbow bridge, after that I'm done with this nonsense. Forty seven years have been enough. I never feel comfortable with myself and what little bit of love I do feel just makes it all the worse.

I was a complete waste of life.

!980 Greco Super Power Custom MIJ

The life of death

The Life of Death from Marsha Onderstijn on Vimeo.

Forest for the trees

Sometimes letting someone in enough to see your struggles sends them running the other way. I don't blame them, regardless it still feels like abandonment. It forges a need for secrecy. There is nothing more heartbreaking than finding out your ugliest layer of self is too ugly for someone you love to handle. This has been a lifelong struggle, that I don't ever remember not being there, nor do I ever see an end....

Take your pick

The light is fading.

What do you say when the only thing keeping you here is a dog? I would say I'm her rescue, but I'm not sure I want to be rescued anymore. She's my responsibility and I'll keep my promise to her, but I have literally painted myself into a corner and I don't feel like fighting the good fight anymore, or even a bad fight. I'm kind of over this life, and why be selfish and drag anyone else into my mess. I can see people pulling away and rightfully so. The drowning man can take you with him. No need for extra casualties. The fight to stay above the surface is tiring. I don't feel well. I have headaches. I hate what I'm doing. I'm no fun anymore. Life has broken my heart on so many levels. It's all quiet desperation filled with heartache, self hatred and self medication. I kid myself with delusions of grandeur, thinking I have talent or intelligence, but the sad reality is I'm just a loser. A broken bird never meant to fly. I've never felt so unconnected and simultaneously want nothing to do with anyone. Why subject anyone to this? What could they do for me anyway?  I've always been the second choice friend and lucky to reach that shaky ground. Always kept at an arm's length. Broken isn't always something you can rectify. 45 years deep into this and I've enjoyed maybe 5 of them. All these years and no solution has presented itself yet. I'm done trying to figure it out. I hope the light at the end of the tunnel is a train. Until that day I'll be riding this wasted life out. Hopefully, I won't have to wait too long to leave this broke down palace and shut its doors for good.

hard to find

Bittersweet

Joel Gordon-Made in America

This is a teaser trailer for a documentary about Joel Gordon.... a one of a kind American original.
The story of one man's triumph and perseverance that takes him from a small town to his dreams.
Always keeping with his philosophy,

"...take a hobby and learn how to eat on it.... and then you'll be happy..." 

Sage words indeed.

a film produced by Jacob Bruckner and Rich Sibert

new Obsessions

New Wheels

1980 trek frame and fork (reynolds)

1974 honda cb 550-four

in the wind

My new ride

My Girl Althea

civilized men

"Before our white brothers arrived to make us civilized men, we didn't have any kind of prison. Because of this, we had no delinquents. Without a prison, there can be no delinquents. We had no locks nor keys and therefore among us there were no thieves. When someone was so poor that he couldn't afford a horse, a tent or a blanket, he would, in that case, receive it all as a gift.

We were too uncivilized to give great importance to private property. We didn't know any kind of money and consequently, the value of a human being was not determined by his wealth. We had no written laws laid down, no lawyers, no politicians, therefore we were not able to cheat and swindle one another.

We were really in bad shape before the white men arrived and I don't know how to explain how we were able to manage without these fundamental things that (so they tell us) are so necessary for a civilized society."
- John (Fire) Lame Deer, Sioux Lakota - 1903-1976

Jim Marshall February 3, 1936—March 24, 2010

The man took photos that influenced my life.

~Jim Marshall~ February 3, 1936—March 24, 2010

If You Dont Like The Effects Dont Produce The Cause

by Funkadelic


If you don't like the effect
Don't produce the cause

You say you don't like where you're at (yeah)
You can make a change
If you accept the blame
Stay in control of your reactions yes
Will determine the effect
Of any situation
You have the power to negate
Any of supposing feeling
That prohibits you to think
A situation is just that
It has no special power
To do you harm
It's your reactions that count
If you don't like the effect
Don't produce the cause

You say you don't like what your country's about (yeah)
Ain't you deep
In your semi-first class seat
You picket this and protest that
And eat yourself fat
Ain't you deep
In your semi-first class seat
If you don't like the effect
Don't produce the cause

You say you don't like what your country's about (yeah)
Ain't you deep
In your semi-first class seat
You picket this and protest that
And eat yourself fat
Ain't you deep
In your semi-first class seat
La la la la-la la la la la